"One-Liners" P9
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Who are these kids and why are they calling me mom?
Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free.
Why do they use sterile needles for lethal injections?
Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
My dog was student of the month in obedience class.
Cruel and unusual punishment works better.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
Wise people think all they say; fools say all they think.
With a rubber duck, you’re never alone.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
I drink to make other people interesting.
I have a drinking problem – the bars close at 2 AM.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that
song?
I have a strong will but a weak won’t.
I like being single. I’m always there when I need me.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people
who annoy me.
I need someone really bad! Are you really bad?
I never think of the future. It comes soon enough.
I only drink to make other people more sociable.
I prefer old age to the alternative.
I quote people to better express myself.
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better.
I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay
checks.
I am a nobody. nobody is perfect, and therefore, I’m
perfect.
I’m busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than
putting it back in.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Very funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style.
If at first you don’t succeed, give up, no use being a damn
fool.
If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the
instructions.
If at first you don’t succeed, quit; don’t be a nut about
success.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor!
Two wrongs are just the beginning.
I may be straight, but I'm not narrow.
I’m not crazy, but the voices in my head might be.
I’m not normally a praying man, but if you’re up there,
please save me, Superman!
I’m not paranoid, they really are after me.
If it’s stupid but works, it isn’t stupid.
I’m trying to see things from your point of view, but I can’t
get my head that far up your ass.
If 50 million people say a foolish thing, it’s still a
foolish thing.
If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn’t get very far.
If a man tells a woman she’s beautiful she’ll overlook most
of his other lies.
If all the cars on the Earth were lined up bumper to bumper,
some idiot would try to pass them.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
The person who knows how to laugh at himself will never
cease to be amused.
The problem with the future is it turns into the present.
The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours
before.
The revolution will not be televised.
The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
I’m in the can, therefore I can’t.
I've had fun before. This isn't it.
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance
If you’re not having fun, then you’re not doing it right.
