All generalizations are false, including this one.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I want patience - AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!

If you spread out all the sand in North Africa, it would cover the Sahara Desert.

I have friends who swear they dream in color; I say it's just a pigment of their imagination.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.

Help Wanted: Telepath; you know where to apply.

Look out for #1, and don't step in #2, either.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

An unemployed court jester is no one's fool.

Department of Redundancy Department

Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

It's sad how whole families are torn apart by simple things, like wild dogs.

Karaoke is Japanese for "tone deaf".

3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.

A day for firm decisions! Or is it?

Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day.

Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.

As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.

Bigamy: one wife too many. Monogamy: same thing

Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people.

Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.

Clairvoyants meeting canceled due to unforeseen events.

A day without radiation is a day without sunshine.

A day without sunshine is like night.

Clones are people two.

Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Confucius say: Those who quote me are fools.

Did you hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!

Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise.

 

Do not put statements in the negative form.

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

Don't be a sexist, broads hate that.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Friction can be a drag sometimes.

He's a graduate of The Uncle Fester and Keith Moon School of hair styling.

Have you seen Quasimodo? I have a hunch he's back!

 I'd like to leave this world like I came into it; screaming, naked and covered in someone else's blood.

When I want your opinion, I'll remove the duct tape.

Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon.

I couldn't care less about apathy.

Never interrupt your enemy while they are making a mistake.

I got arrested in LA and boy am I beat!

Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.

Never eat yellow snow.

Drilling for oil is boring.

Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.

 

Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.

Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy!

I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.

 

Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.