Everything is always okay in the end, if it’s not okay, then it’s not the end.

 

Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.

 

I wanted to be a musician but I wasn't noteworthy.

 

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

 

What do you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

 

Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't been asleep.

 

Examine what is said, not who speaks.

 

Excuse me; is there an airport nearby large enough for a private jet to land?

 

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

 

F u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.

 

Failure is not an option – it’s a lifestyle.

 

Failure is not falling down; it is not getting up again.

 

Failure teaches success.

 

Faster hardware doesn’t solve business problems – unless the business problem is slow hardware.

 

Fill what’s empty, empty what’s full, scratch where it itches.

 

Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.

 

First rule of acting: whatever happens, look as if it were intended?

 

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

 

Freedom of speech is wonderful – right up there with the freedom not to listen.

 

Goals are deceptive. The un-aimed arrow never misses.

 

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

 

God made us brothers, but Prozac made us friends.

 

God will forgive me. That’s his job, after all.

 

Rehab is for quitters.

 

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

 

A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.

 

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

 

My kid sold the test answers to your honors student.

 

Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).

 

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, some days you're the statue.

 

When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

 

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

 

I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

 

Got kleptomania? Take something for it.

 

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

 

Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.

 

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

 

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

 

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

 

Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.

 

Frog blasts the vent core!

 

Gee, Toto, I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore.

 

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them.

 

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

 

I’m getting screwed, while everybody else is getting laid.

 

Give a jackass an education and you get a smartass.

 

Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.

 

Half the people you know are below average.