Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
If you understand what you’re doing, you’re not learning
anything.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free
trip around the sun.
That guy is so old he shops at EXTREMELY Old Navy.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live.
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make
sure it's still there.
In an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after
that is the beginning of a new argument.
If you really love someone, throw the ball and say "Fetch!"
If you think you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's
dog around.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said
"Implants?"
Contents may have settled out of court.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Most nudists are people you don't want to see naked.
I'm one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
If you’re happy, you’re successful.
I'm busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest.
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see perfectly?
I like my men like I like my coffee. Ground up and in a freezer bag.
I like my women like I like my coffee, cold and bitter.
They call it PMS because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.
The Dark Ages was caused by the Y1K problem.
A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
He was hairier than Chewbacca dipped in Rogaine.
Well, paint me purple and call me Barney.
I'm busier than a one-legged River dancer.
Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
The statement following is true. The statement prior is false.
