There are 10 types of people, those who understand binary and those who don’t.

 

The chance of a piece of bread falling, the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

 

Is it time for your medication or mine?

 

If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

 

When in doubt empty the magazine.

 

When in doubt, do what the President does. Guess.

 

When in doubt, poke it with a stick.

 

When it’s dark enough you can see the stars.

 

I tried to get a life once, but they were out of stock.

 

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

 

I intend to live forever, so far so good.

 

There are no short cuts to any place worth going.

 

There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.

 

There are three types of people – those who can count and those who can’t.

 

There is no such thing as a stupid question, just stupid people who ask questions.

 

There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.

 

There is no time like the pleasant

 

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

 

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

 

There’s too much blood in my alcohol system.

 

They call it "PMS" because "MCD" ,mad cow disease, was already taken.

 

They’re only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!

 

This website may not be idiot proof, but at least it’s dimwit resistant.

 

She had a body like a burlap bag full of bobcats.

 

Think much, speak little, and Write less.

 

This sentence contradicts itself — no actually it doesn’t.

 

Committee is, a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

 

Dust: mud with the juice squeezed out.

 

Egotist: someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

 

Gossip: a person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

 

This will be a memorable month — no matter how hard you try to forget.

 

Time flies like a bullet. Fruit flies like a banana.

 

To err is human; to really screw up requires the root password.

 

Too much of everything is just enough.

 

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

 

Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.

 

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

 

If something goes without saying, let it!

 

To generalize is to be an idiot.

 

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

 

Today is the first day of the rest of this mess.

 

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

 

Today’s children would be less spoiled if we could spank grandparents!

 

Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.

 

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.

 

Tracers work both ways.

 

Trying is failing with honors.

 

Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three lefts do.

 

Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three will get you back on the freeway.

 

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

 

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

 

A man on a date wonders if he’ll get lucky. The woman already knows.

 

A man wrapped up in himself, makes a very small package.