A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career.
Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.
Gun Control: Use both hands.
Remember: First you pillage then you burn.
To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive organs.
Half the people in the world are below average.
Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your software.
Arkansas State Motto: don't ask, don't tell, and don’t laugh.
You chatter more than a dolphin by a fish bucket.
Save the whales: collect the whole set.
I just got lost in thought, and it was unfamiliar territory.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
You have the right to remain silent; anything you say will be misquoted, and
then used against you.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
The problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Be Alert! The world needs more lerts.
If all is not lost, where is it?
If you are willing to admit faults, you have one less fault
to admit.
Ignorance is no excuse. It's the real thing.
Someday we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change
the subject.
My dog can lick anyone.
If it can go wrong it probably already has.
Nuclear fission needs special bait.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?
Give pizza chance.
If you are not committing any sins, you are probably not
having a lot of fun.
Time is a great healer, but a terrible beautician.
If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
I intend to live forever - so far so good.
Capital punishment isn't for making examples; it's for making bad people dead.
If I look confused it’s because I’m thinking.
My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
If god is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
If homosexuality is a disease, can I call into work ‘gay’?
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane
and going the wrong way.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
If you can’t learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
The colder the x-ray tables the more of your body is required on it.
If you didn’t get caught, did you really do it?
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
If you put it off long enough, it might go away.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
If you don’t care where you are, then you ain’t lost.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Can a blind person feel blue?
Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
If a man with no arms has a gun, is he armed?
Man cannot live by bread alone, unless he's locked in a cage and that's all you
feed him.
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your
two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
