I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
Mothers of teenagers know why animals eat their young.
A clean house is a sure sign of a broken computer.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
Happiness is something you decide on, not something that
happens to you.
I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing
to learn from them.
A synonym is a word you use in place of one you can't spell.
Any philosophy that can fit into a nutshell belongs there.
Education is what you have left after you've lost all your
notes.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
Smile. It makes people wonder what you're up to.
Jesus is coming. Look busy.
Hard work never killed anyone but why risk it?
You must pay for your sins. If you have already paid,
disregard this notice.
Dog for sale eats anything and is fond of children.
Why is it that dogs go to obedience school and kids run
wild?
Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
I've got one nerve left, and you're getting on it.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Happiness isn’t having what you want; it wants what you
have.
Help wanted: Telepath...You know where to apply.
Hey! It compiles! Ship it!
What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
I don’t mind coming to work, but that eight hour wait to go
home is a bitch!
What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expect
generally happens.
Whatever happens, ignore it all.
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than
to let him keep her.
Hey, you want to go out for pizza and some sex? What, you
don’t like pizza?
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better
defense.
Honk if you like peace and quiet.
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom
door you’re on.
I am not single, I’m romantically challenged.
I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
Hey Santa, how much for your list of naughty girls?
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
What is a zebra? 25 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
A PBS mind in an MTV world.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
I can’t complain, but sometimes I still do.
I can’t spell and beer doesn’t help.
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I don’t care who you are! Get those reindeer's off my roof!
Cancer cures smoking.
Do not adjust your mind. The fault is with reality.
Eschew obfuscation.
Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
I plead contemporary insanity.
Everyone on these premises is a vegetarian except the dog.
Whoever said nothing was impossible never tried slamming a
revolving door.
Which is worse: Ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
While having never invented a sin, I’m trying to perfect
many.
