"I Am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do" is the longest sentence?

Imitation is not the sincerest form of flattery. Stalking is.

Marriage is grand; divorce, a hundred grand.

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Married men live longer than single men, but they’re a lot more willing to die.

If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

Marriage is an expensive way of getting your laundry done for free.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

 

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

 

Matrimony isn’t a word, it’s a sentence.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

 

If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?

 

If we’d stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time.

 

If you are going to walk on thin ice you might as well dance.

 

If you can see this, you’re not blind, which is a very good start.

 

Procrastinators, Procrastinate now.

 

Don't let your mind wander. It's too small to be out by itself.

 

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

 

Don't get your undies in a knot

 

Diplomacy: the art of letting someone have your way.

 

A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn’t.

 

A good pun is its own reword.

 

Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans.

 

If you can read this, thank a teacher.

 

A gentleman is a patient wolf.

 

A drunk mans’ words are a sober mans’ thoughts.

 

Atheism: a non-prophet religion.

 

That was Zen. This is Tao.

 

Dyslexics have more fnu.

 

Clones are people, two.

 

Entrophy isn't what it used to be.

 

Cole's Law: thinly sliced cabbage.

 

A day for firm decisions! Or is it?

 

A little bit of powder, a little bit of paint, makes a girl’s complexion seem what it ain’t.

 

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

 

A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price.

 

All hope abandon, ye who enter here!

 

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure.

 

Not all who wander are lost.

 

Heck is where people go who don't believe in Gosh.

 

Labor Movement: The folks who brought you the weekend.

 

A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.

 

Vegetarian: Indian word for "lousy hunter."

 

If your feet smell and your nose run, you're built upside-down.

 

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

 

All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.

 

The latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population.

 

If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.

 

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

 

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

 

Hire a teenager while they still know it all.

 

What brought you here and does it have reverse?

 

Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you're a jerk.

 

I'm not young enough to know everything.

 

Who died and made you Darth Vader?

 

Let me drop everything and work on your problem.

 

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

 

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

 

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

 

How about never? Is never good for you?

 

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

 

The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.

 

You've got two brains. One is lost and the other is out looking for it.

 

The gene pool could stand a little chlorine.

 

He fell out of the Stupid Tree and hit every branch on the way down.

 

Some people are living proof that evolution can go in reverse.

 

Here's a penny for your thoughts. Got change?

 

He has a room temperature IQ.

 

A gross ignoramus is 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

 

He's so dense, light bends around him.

 

If brains were taxed, she'd get a rebate.

 

If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

 

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

 

Do they ever shut up on your planet?

 

Nice perfume. Did you marinate in it?

 

Why don't you slip into something nicer? Like unconsciousness.

 

You're depriving a village of an idiot.

 

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

 

My honor student is also a black belt, so bring on your bully!

 

He's so narrow-minded he can see through a keyhole with both eyes.

 

When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.

 

When vultures fly, are they allowed carrion luggage?