One Liners P6

• "I Am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do" is the longest sentence?

• Imitation is not the sincerest form of flattery. Stalking is.

• Marriage is grand; divorce, a hundred grand.

• Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

• Married men live longer than single men, but they’re a lot more willing to die.

• If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
  

• I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
  

• Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

• Marriage is an expensive way of getting your laundry done for free.

• A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
  

• If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?

• If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
  

• If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

• Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

• Matrimony isn’t a word, it’s a sentence.

• We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

• If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is it considered a hostage situation?

• Is there another word for synonym?
  

• Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?
  

• Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
  

• What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

• If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?

• If we’d stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time.

• If you are going to walk on thin ice you might as well dance.

• If you can see this, you’re not blind, which is a very good start.

• Procrastinators, Procrastinate now.

• Don't let your mind wander. It's too small to be out by itself.

• I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

• Don't get your undies in a knot.

• Diplomacy: the art of letting someone have your way.

• A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn’t.

• A good pun is its own reword.

• Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans.

• If you can read this, thank a teacher.

• A gentleman is a patient wolf.

• A drunk mans’ words are a sober mans’ thoughts.

• Atheism: a non-prophet religion.

• That was Zen. This is Tao.

• Dyslexics have more fnu.

• Clones are people, two.

• Entrophy isn't what it used to be.

• Cole's Law: thinly sliced cabbage.

• A day for firm decisions! Or is it?

• A little bit of powder, a little bit of paint, makes a girl’s complexion seem what it ain’t.

• A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

• A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price.

• All hope abandon, ye who enter here!

• I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure.

• Not all who wander are lost.

• Heck is where people go who don't believe in Gosh.

• Labor Movement: The folks who brought you the weekend.

• A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.

• Vegetarian: Indian word for "lousy hunter."

• If your feet smell and your nose run, you're built upside-down.

• All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

• All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.

• The latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population.

• If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.

• If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

• If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

• Hire a teenager while they still know it all.

• What brought you here and does it have reverse?

• Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you're a jerk.

• I'm not young enough to know everything.

• Who died and made you Darth Vader?

• Let me drop everything and work on your problem.

• The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

• I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

• I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

• How about never? Is never good for you?

• How can I miss you if you won't go away?

• The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.

 

• You've got two brains. One is lost and the other is out looking for it.

• The gene pool could stand a little chlorine.

• He fell out of the Stupid Tree and hit every branch on the way down.

• Some people are living proof that evolution can go in reverse.

• Here's a penny for your thoughts. Got change?

• He has a room temperature IQ.

• A gross ignoramus is 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

• He's so dense, light bends around him.

• If brains were taxed, she'd get a rebate.

• If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

• Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

• Do they ever shut up on your planet?

• Nice perfume. Did you marinate in it?

• Why don't you slip into something nicer? Like unconsciousness.

• You're depriving a village of an idiot.

• Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

• My honor student is also a black belt, so bring on your bully!

• He's so narrow-minded he can see through a keyhole with both eyes.

• When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.

• When vultures fly, are they allowed carrion luggage?

• All generalizations are false, including this one.
  

• I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
  

• I want patience - AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!
  

• If you spread out all the sand in North Africa, it would cover the Sahara Desert.
  

• Drink your coffee; there are people in India sleeping. 
  

• I have friends who swear they dream in color; I say it's just a pigment of their imagination.
  

• There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
  

• Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
  

• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

• A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.
  

• Help Wanted: Telepath - you know where to apply.
  

• Look out for #1, and don't step in #2, either.

• An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
  

• An unemployed court jester is no one's fool.
  

• Department of Redundancy Department

• Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

• As I said before, I never repeat myself.

• It's sad how whole families are torn apart by simple things, like wild dogs.
  

• Karaoke is Japanese for "tone deaf".
  

• 3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.
  

• A day for firm decisions! Or is it?
  

• Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day.
  

• Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.
  

• As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.
  

• Bigamy: one wife too many. Monogamy: same thing
  

• Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people.
  

• Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.
  

• Clairvoyants meeting canceled due to unforeseen events.

• A day without radiation is a day without sunshine.
  

• A day without sunshine is like night.

• Clones are people two.
  

• Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
  

• Confucius say: Those who quote me are fools.
  

• Did you hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!

• How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!

• Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise.

• Do not put statements in the negative form.
  

• Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
  

• Don't be a sexist, broads hate that.
  

• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
  

• Friction can be a drag sometimes.
  

• He's a graduate of The Uncle Fester and Keith Moon School of hair styling.
  

• Have you seen Quasimodo? I have a hunch he's back!
  
• I'd like to leave this world like I came into it; screaming, naked and covered in someone else's blood.
  
• When I want your opinion, I'll remove the duct tape.
• Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon.
• I couldn't care less about apathy.
• Never interrupt your enemy while they are making a mistake.
• I got arrested in LA and boy am I beat!

• Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.

• Never eat yellow snow.

• Drilling for oil is boring.
  

• Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.

 

• Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.

 

• Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy!
  

• Honk if you love peace and quiet.

• I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.

• Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.

• Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.