- Who are these kids and why are they calling me mom?
- Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free.
- Why do they use sterile needles for lethal injections?
- Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
- My dog was student of the month in obedience class.
- Cruel and unusual punishment works better.
- An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
- When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
- Wise people think all they say; fools say all they think.
- With a rubber duck, you’re never alone.
- I doubt, therefore I might be.
- I drink to make other people interesting.
- I have a drinking problem – the bars close at 2 AM.
- Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that
song
- I have a strong will but a weak won’t
- I like being single. I’m always there when I need me
- I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people
who annoy me.
- I need someone really bad! Are you really bad?
- I never think of the future. It comes soon enough.
- I only drink to make other people more sociable.
- I prefer old age to the alternative.
- I quote people to better express myself.
- I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
- I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better.
- I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay
checks.
- I am a nobody. nobody is perfect, and therefore, I’m
perfect.
- I’m busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
- Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than
putting it back in.
- I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
- Very funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
- Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
- If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style.
- If at first you don’t succeed, give up, no use being a damn
fool.
- If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the
instructions.
- If at first you don’t succeed, quit; don’t be a nut about
success.
- One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor!
- Two wrongs are just the beginning.
- I may be straight, but I'm not narrow.
- I’m not crazy, but the voices in my head might be.
- I’m not normally a praying man, but if you’re up there,
please save me, Superman!
- I’m not paranoid, they really are after me.
- If it’s stupid but works, it isn’t stupid.
- I’m trying to see things from your point of view, but I can’t
get my head that far up your ass.
- If 50 million people say a foolish thing, it’s still a
foolish thing.
- If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn’t get very far.
- If a man tells a woman she’s beautiful she’ll overlook most
of his other lies.
- If all the cars on the Earth were lined up bumper to bumper,
some idiot would try to pass them.
- The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
- The person who knows how to laugh at himself will never
cease to be amused.
- The problem with the future is it turns into the present.
- The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours
before.
- The revolution will not be televised.
- The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
- I’m in the can, therefore I can’t.
- I've had fun before. This isn't it.
- If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
- If you’re not having fun, then you’re not doing it right.
- I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
- Mothers of teenagers know why animals eat their young.
- A clean house is a sure sign of a broken computer.
- A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
- Happiness is something you decide on, not something that
happens to you.
- I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing
to learn from them.
- A synonym is a word you use in place of one you can't spell.
- Any philosophy that can fit into a nutshell belongs there.
- Education is what you have left after you've lost all your
notes.
- Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
- Smile. It makes people wonder what you're up to.
- Jesus is coming. Look busy.
- Hard work never killed anyone but why risk it?
- You must pay for your sins. If you have already paid,
disregard this notice.
- Dog for sale eats anything and is fond of children.
- Why is it that dogs go to obedience school and kids run
wild?
- Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
- I've got one nerve left, and you're getting on it.
- Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
- Happiness isn’t having what you want; it wants what you
have.
- Help wanted: Telepath...You know where to apply.
- Hey! It compiles! Ship it!
- What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
- I don’t mind coming to work, but that eight hour wait to go
home is a bitch!
- What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expect
generally happens.
- Whatever happens, ignore it all.
- When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than
to let him keep her.
- Hey, you want to go out for pizza and some sex? What, you
don’t like pizza?
- Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better
defense.
- Honk if you like peace and quiet.
- How come wrong numbers are never busy?
- How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom
door you’re on.
- I am not single, I’m romantically challenged.
- I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
- Hey Santa, how much for your list of naughty girls?
- Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
- What is a zebra? 25 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
- A PBS mind in an MTV world.
- Allow me to introduce my selves.
- I can’t complain, but sometimes I still do.
- I can’t spell and beer doesn’t help.
- I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
- I don’t care who you are! Get those reindeer's off my roof!
- Do not adjust your mind. The fault is with reality.
- Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
- I plead contemporary insanity.
- Everyone on these premises is a vegetarian except the dog.
- Whoever said nothing was impossible never tried slamming a
revolving door.
- Which is worse: Ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?
- I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
- While having never invented a sin, I’m trying to perfect
many.
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