One Liners P2

 

 

• A weekend wasted isn’t a wasted weekend.

 

• Life is nothing like the brochure.

 

• A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

 

• Earth first. Then we screw up the other planets later.

 

• Don't bother me. I'm living happily after.

 

• Do I LOOK like a friggin' people person?

 

• Here I am. Now what are your other two wishes?

 

• Back off! You're standing in my aura.

 

• I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.

 

• I think: therefore I don't listen to Dan Rather.

 

• I think we met in a past life--and you were a dipstick then, too.

 

• Life is a trip. Do you have a ticket or are you hitch-hiking?

 

• The world will end the day after the warranty expires.

 

• According to my calculations the problem doesn’t exist.

 

• Admit nothing, deny everything and make counter-accusations.

 

• Adult: One old enough to know better.

 

• After all is said and done, more is said than done.

 

• Alcohol is not the answer; it just makes you forget the question.

 

• All generalizations are dangerous, even this one.

 

• The only time the world beats a path to your door  is when you're in the bathroom.

 

• 52% of all statistics are false.

 

• Addicted to the Net: Home is where I hang my @

 

• The geek shall inherit the earth.

 

• Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and name streets after them.

 

• I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it

 

• Earth is full. Go home.

 

• Caution: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.  

 

• You say I'm a bitch like that's a bad thing.

 

• If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet I'll put shoes on my cat.

 

• We have enough youth. How about a fountain of Smart? 

 

• Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. 

 

• When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.

 

• Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have 

 

• Mind like a steel trap. Rusty and illegal in 37 states.

 

• Uniquely mal-adjusted, but fun.

 

• Drugs lead to nowhere, but it's the scenic route.

 

• Love is grand. Divorce is at least ten grand.

 

• We're staying together for the sake of the cats.

 

• Kids in the backseat cause accidents. Accidents in the backseat cause kids.

 

• The only time a woman wants to be a year older is when she is expecting a baby.

 

• I got a new car for my wife. Best trade I ever made.

 

• I live with fear every day. But sometimes she lets me go hunting.

 

• Ex-wife. Take over payments.

 

• Sex on television can't hurt you, unless you fall off.

 

• The rooster crows, but the hen delivers the goods.

 

• Not tonight, dear, I have a modem.

 

• I have animal magnetism. When I go outside, squirrels are attracted to me.

 

• Marriages are made in heaven. So is thunder and lightning..

 

• Husbands should come with instructions.

 

• Real men don't waste their hormones growing hair.

 

• Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

 

• I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

 

• I've always wanted a chaise in my bedroom.

 

• Women who miscalculate are called mothers.

 

• I'm not single. I'm romantically challenged.

 

• Myth: a female moth.

 

• Mosquito: an insect that makes you like flies better.

 

• Raisin: grape with sunburn.

 

• Secret: something you tell to one person at a time.

 

• Skeleton: a bunch of bones with the  person scraped off.

 

• Toothache: the pain that drives you to extraction.

 

• Yawn: an honest opinion openly expressed

 

• Entropy isn’t what it used to be.

 

• Even at a Mensa convention someone is the dumbest person in the room.

 

• Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.

 

• Every man has his price. Mine is $1

 

• Every snowflake in an avalanche pleads not guilty.

 

• Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.This would be really funny--if it weren't happening to me.

 

• Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.

 

• Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.

 

• Canis meus it comedit. My dog ate it.

 

• Carpenter’s rule: cut to fit; beat into place.

 

• Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

 

• Chaos, panic, pandemonium – my work here is done.

 

• Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.

 

• Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.

 

• Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.

 

• Clones are people two.

 

• If I throw a stick will you leave?

 

• Does your train of thought have a caboose?

 

• Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

 

• Let me show you how the guards used to do it.

 

• And just how may I screw you over today?

 

• And your crybaby whiney-assed opinion would be...?

 

• I'm not crazy. I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

 

• So many fools, so few comets.

 

• Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice Doggie!”, until you can find a rock.

 

• If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.

 

• Don't look back. Something might be gaining on you.

 

• Help wanted: Psychic. You know where to apply.

 

• There are two great secrets to success in life. The first is to not tell everything you know.

 

• It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.

 

• Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing.

 

• We cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust our sails.

 

• You wouldn't worry so much about what others thing of you if you knew how seldom they did.

 

• Friends may come and friends may go, but enemies accumulate.

 

• Coarse and violent nudity. Occasional language.

 

• Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum. I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.

 

• Come to the dark side – we have cookies.

 

• Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?

 

• Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow.

 

• Crime doesn’t pay… does that mean my job is a crime?

 

• Criminal Lawyer, is a redundant phrase.

 

• Just say NO to one-word solutions.

 

• Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes!

 

• If we are what we eat, I'm cheap, fast, and easy.

 

• If you think being meek is weak, try being meek for a week.

 

• Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.

 

• Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

 

• Cult: It just means not enough people to make a minority.

 

• Dawn is nature’s way of telling you to go to bed.

 

• Depression is merely anger without the enthusiasm.

 

• Do not attribute to malice what can as easily be attributed to stupidity.

 

• Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

 

• Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

 

• Don’t be sexist. Broads hate that.

• Don’t believe everything you think.

 

• Conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

 

• Those of you who think you know it all are damn annoying to those of us who do.

 

• Not all people are annoying. Some are dead.

 

• Too many freaks, not enough circus’s.

 

• Chaos, panic and disorder--my work here is done.

 

• I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

 

• Are you wearing lipstick? Well, mind if I taste it?

 

• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

 

• As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

 

• Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.

 

• Don’t tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.

 

• Don’t tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.

 

• Don’t trust reality. After all, it’s only a collective hunch.

 

• Atheists can do whatever the hell they want.

 

• A religious war is like, children fighting over who has the strongest imaginary friend.

 

• Attitude determines your altitude.

 

• Bad command or file name. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaaay…

 

• Batteries not included.

 

• Be good – and if you can’t be good, be careful.

 

• A smart man covers his ass; a wise man leaves his pants on.

 

• Be good; if you can’t be good, have fun.

 

• Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.

 

• Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.

 

• Be naughty – save Santa the trip

 

• How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

 

• Is it time for your medication or mine?

 

• And which dwarf are you?

 

• I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

 

• Sarcasm is just one service we offer.

 

• Better living through denial. than in it.

 

• Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening.

 

• Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.

 

• Anything you lose automatically doubles in value.

 

• Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

 

• Bad spellers of the world untie!

 

• Bald guys never have a bad hair day.

 

• Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.

 

• Beauty lasts for a moment, but ugly goes on and on and on.

 

• Beer – the reason I wake up every afternoon.

 

• Better late, than really late.

 

• Those who abandon their dreams will discourage yours.

 

• Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

 

• Let’s play carpenter, first we get hammered, then I nail you.

 

• Life exists for no known purpose.

 

• Who are The Grateful Dead? And why do they keep following me?

 

• Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

 

• Don't sweat petty things or pet sweaty things.

 

• How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

 

• If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

 

• Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

 

• Biology grows on you.

 

• Blondes may have more fun, but brunettes remember it the next day.

 

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