One Liners P10

 

 

• Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

 

• If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

 

• If you understand what you’re doing, you’re not learning anything.

 

• Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.   

 

• That guy is so old he shops at EXTREMELY Old Navy.

 

• Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. 

 

• Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live. 

 

• Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in. 

 

• If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there. 

 

• In an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
  

 

• If you really love someone, throw the ball and say "Fetch!"

 

• If you think you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.
  

 

• I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?"
  

 

• Contents may have settled out of court.
  

 

• You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.  
  

 

• Most nudists are people you don't want to see naked. 
  

 

• I'm one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.

 

• If you’re happy, you’re successful.

 

• I'm busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest.

 

• If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see perfectly?
  

 

• I like my men like I like my coffee. Ground up and in a freezer bag. 

 

• I like my women like I like my coffee, cold and bitter

 

• They call it PMS because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.  

 

• The Dark Ages was caused by the Y1K problem.
  

 

• A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.  

 

• When blondes have more fun, do they know it.

 

• Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
  

 

• He was hairier than Chewbacca dipped in Rogaine.

 

• Well, paint me purple and call me Barney.
  

 

• I'm busier than a one-legged River dancer.
  

 

• Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
  

 

• The statement following is true. The statement prior is false.
  

 

• He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

 

• I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
  

 

•  I was happier than a kitten with a Q-tip. 

 

• I was busier than a beaver in a coffee lake. 
  

 

• I was more nervous than a ceiling fan store owner with a comb-over.
  

 

• He was tenser than Jesse Jackson on Father's Day. 
  

 

• Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you. 
  

 

• If you think there is good in everybody then you obviously haven't met everybody.
  

 

• If you can't convince them, confuse them.
  

 

• All power corrupts. Absolute power is pretty neat, though.
  

 

• If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down. 
  

 

• Here I am! What are your other two wishes?

 

• A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
  

 

• Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career.
  

 

• Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.
  

 

• Gun Control: Use both hands.
  

 

• Remember: First you pillage then you burn.
  

 

• To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.
  

 

• If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
  

 

• Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive organs.
  

 

• Half the people in the world are below average.
  

 

• Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your software.
  

 

• Arkansas State Motto: don't ask, don't tell, and don’t laugh.
  

 

• You chatter more than a dolphin by a fish bucket.
  

 

• Save the whales: collect the whole set.
  

 

• I just got lost in thought, and it was unfamiliar territory.
  

 

• I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
  

 

• You have the right to remain silent; anything you say will be misquoted, and then used against you.
  

 

• Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
  

 

• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  

 

• The problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills.
  

 

• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  

 

• The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  

 

• I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

 

• Be Alert! The world needs more lerts.

 

• If all is not lost, where is it?

 

• If you are willing to admit faults, you have one less fault to admit.

 

• Ignorance is no excuse. It's the real thing.

 

• Someday we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

 

• My dog can lick anyone.

 

• If it can go wrong it probably already has.

 

• Nuclear fission needs special bait.

 

• If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?

 

• Give pizza chance.

 

• If you are not committing any sins, you are probably not having a lot of fun.

 

• Time is a great healer, but a terrible beautician.

 

• If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

 

• I intend to live forever - so far so good.
  

 

•  Capital punishment isn't for making examples; it's for making bad people dead.

 

• If I look confused it’s because I’m thinking.

 

• My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
  

 

•  Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

 

• The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
  

 

• Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

 

• If god is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

• If homosexuality is a disease, can I call into work ‘gay’?

 

• When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

 

• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

 

• The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

 

• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
  

 

• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
  

 

•  For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
  

 

•  Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
  

 

• No one is listening until you make a mistake.

 

• If you can’t learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.

 

• Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
  

 

• The colder the x-ray tables the more of your body is required on it.

 

• If you didn’t get caught, did you really do it?

 

• The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

 

• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
  

 

• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

 

• To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
  

 

• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
  

 

• If you put it off long enough, it might go away.

 

•  You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

 

• If you don’t care where you are, then you ain’t lost.

 

• Two wrongs are only the beginning.
  

 

• The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
  

 

• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  

 

• Can a blind person feel blue?
  

 

• Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
  

 

• Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
  

 

• Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
  

 

• If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
   
  

• Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
  

 

• If a man with no arms has a gun, is he armed?