One Liners P3

 

• Everything is always okay in the end, if it’s not okay, then it’s not the end.

• Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.

• I wanted to be a musician but I wasn't noteworthy.

• 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

• What do you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

• Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't been asleep.

• Examine what is said, not who speaks.

• Excuse me; is there an airport nearby large enough for a private jet to land?

• Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

• F u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng. 

• The woman who stands behind her man cannot see where she is going. 

• If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast. 

• My wife and I are incompatible. I lost my income and she lost her patability.

• I don't know of anything better than a woman if you want to spend money where it shows.

• A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.

• A smoking section in a restaurant is like a peeing section in a pool.

• A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students.

• Failure is not an option – it’s a lifestyle.

• Failure is not falling down; it is not getting up again.

• Failure teaches success.

• Faster hardware doesn’t solve business problems – unless the business problem is slow hardware.

• Fill what’s empty, empty what’s full, scratch where it itches.

• Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.

• First rule of acting: whatever happens, look as if it were intended?

• For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

• For good, return good. For evil, return justice.

• Freedom of speech is wonderful – right up there with the freedom not to listen.

•  Friendly fire – isn’t friendly.

• Goals are deceptive. The un-aimed arrow never misses.

• God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

• God made us brothers, but Prozac made us friends.

• God will forgive me. That’s his job, after all.

• Rehab is for quitters.

• The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

• A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.

• Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

• My kid sold the test answers to your honors student.

• Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).

• Accept that some days you're the pigeon, some days you're the statue.

• When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

• He who laughs last thinks slowest.

• I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

• Got kleptomania? Take something for it.

• Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

• Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.

• Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

• There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

• Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

• Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.

• Frog blasts the vent core!

• Gee, Toto, I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore.

• The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them.

• The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

• I’m getting screwed, while everybody else is getting laid.

• Give a jackass an education and you get a smartass.

• Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.

• Half the people you know are below average.

• Don’t follow me, I’m lost too. 

• Don’t let yesterday take up to much of today.

• I have seen the truth, and it makes no sense. 
• 
  
• Every solution breeds new problems. 

• Does the noise in my head bother you?

• Don’t argue with a fool. The spectators can’t tell

• the difference.

• Don’t be humble, you’re not that great. 

• Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

• The only certain thing in life is death. 

• Don’t look unless you’re prepared to see. 

• The only job you start at the top is digging a hole. 

• The only really decent thing to do behind a person’s back is pat it. 

• The only way to entertain some folks is to listen to them. 

• Don’t cry because its over, smile because it happened. 

• Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.  

• Everyone is beautiful if you squint a bit. 

• All things being equal, fat people use more soap. 

• Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 

• There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. 

• This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it. 

• All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair. 

• We are Microsoft. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile. 

• Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work. 

• I went to school to become a wit. Only got half way through. 

• Don’t steal a police car unless you’re prepared to floor it all the way to Mexico. 

• Drive defensively – buy a tank. 

• Drugs cause amnesia and other things I can’t remember. 

• Dyslexics have more FNU!.... 

• Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

• Early to rise, and early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead. 

• Earn cash in your spare time. Blackmail your friends.

• I used to be a doctor but I didn't have the patients. 

• Earth first! (We’ll strip-mine the other planets later). 

• Earth is a great, big fun house without the fun. 

• Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal. 

• Elevators smell different to midgets.

• Quick! Call a witch doctor! My witch is sick. 

• This is the first day to rescue your life. 

• If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. 

• Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex.

• If at first you do succeed try not to look astonished.

• If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 

• Everyone leaves the world a little better – some by leaving.