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My Foot Fungus
I’m growing fungus on my feet
To tell the truth, it’s kinda neat
I grew it for my science class
It’s got so big, I’m bound to pass
But it’s not easy growing mold
You must keep it dark and from the cold
Put your socks on when they’re wet
And make feed your fungus lots of sweat
It’s been a month since I last showered
And because of this, it’s truly flowered
It’s amazing just how fast it grows
You’ve never seen such fuzzy toes!
It has the most delightful hue
It’s sorta green and sorta blue
But there are drawbacks to its fungal riches
You won’t believe how much it itches
And the smell is gross, I have to say
But it’s worth it all to get an “A”
Day At The Zoo
The female gorilla was pining at the zoo,
No suitable male could be found,
The keepers didn’t know what to do,
So they decided to ask around town.
The zoo authorities they did the rounds,
Said they wanted a suitable chappie,
Asking who would do it for five hundred pounds,
Sleep with the gorilla and keep her happy.
But people felt awkward,
Saying “What a question to ask”,
Until old Jack stepped forward,
Saying “I might do the task”,
“But I have three questions” said Jack,
“Before I do this thing,
First I don’t want any comeback,
If there’s any offspring.
“My second question is this,
It all depends on her need,
Do I have to give her a kiss,
Before I perform this deed?
“Thirdly” said Jack “Don’t think it a cheek,
And if you accept my bid,
You’ll have to give me at least a week,
To come up with the five hundred quid”.
By - Tom Gaunt
I’m Fine, Thank YOU
There is nothing the matter with me.
I’m as healthy as I can be.
I have arthritis in both my knees
And when I talk, I talk with a wheeze.
My pulse is weak, and my blood is thin
But I’m awfully well for the shape I’m in.
Arch supports I have for my feet
Or I wouldn’t be able to be on the street.
Sleep is denied me night after night,
But every morning I find I’m all right.
My memory is failing, my head’s in a spin
But I’m awfully well for the shape I’m in.
The moral is this, as my tale I unfold,
That for you and me who are growing old,
It’s better to say “I’m fine” with a grin
Than to let folks know the shape we are in.
How do I know that my youth is all spent?
Well, my “get up and go” just got up and went.
But I really don’t mind when I think with a grin
Of all the grand places my “get up” has been.
Old age is golden, I’ve heard it said;
But sometimes I wonder as I get into bed
With my ears in the drawer my teeth in a cup,
My eyes on the table until I wake up.
Ere sleep overtakes me, I say to myself,
“Is there anything else I could lay on the shelf?”
When I was young my slippers were red,
I could kick my heels over my head
When I was older my slippers were blue,
But I still could dance the whole night through.
Now I am old, my slippers are black,
I walk to the store and puff my way back.
I get up each morning and dust off my wits
And pick up the paper and read the obits.
If my name is still missing, I know I’m not dead
So I fix me some breakfast and go back to bed.
By – Author Unknown
Keep Cool
My life is like a kitchen fridge.
The analogy is frightening
How analyzing this white good
Gives insights so enlightening.
For when I was new and little used
I sparkled glistening white,
And when I was open wide to view
My bulb inside shone bright.
My contents stayed so fresh and crisp
I could instantly defrost.
My motor ran infrequently
To minimize my cost.
I gave the picture I was smart
And kept a tight schedule.
I was quick and efficient.
I kept my calm and cool.
Alas I am no longer new,
I’ve been well used and battered.
I have not been well maintained
As nothing really mattered.
My door seals leak. My bulb has blown.
My vegetables froze.
My freezer is so full of frost
Its door cannot be closed.
My motor runs incessantly,
Its longevity’s in doubt.
It rattles loud and shakes the floor.
It may soon burn right out.
I’m overloaded, overworked.
This chill I cannot keep.
If I do not change immediately
I’m to the garbage heap.
I need a defrost right away.
I hardly can recall
The feel of ice slabs falling off
To free my freezer walls.
I know it will invigorate
To warm my freezing core
And drip my drips with no control
To puddle on the floor.
Oh what a wonderful release
To make a mighty mess
And let the food warm up and rot
While feeling quite guiltless.
I’ll rid my shelves of all the food
And clean off all the mould.
I want to have a complete new start
And not be undersold.
I’ll get new seals to line my door
To make it fit right tight
And wear a long-life new bulb
So I’ll always shine out bright.
Before you let yourself frost up
And be the burnt out fool
Start your own defrost program
So you can keep your “cool”.
By - Dr John Parker
Rod, the Lion-Hearted Kitten
Young Rod was just a small red cat,
But no one ever told him that!
He thought himself ‘aristocrat’,
Of noble blood and birth…
A king of cats, a hunter great,
A warrior who could lie in wait,
Attack his prey, then celebrate
His cunning, matchless worth.
While strolling on a summer’s day,
Rod spied some brown squirrels, hard at play,
His hunter-heart was racing! “Hey!
A quarry worth my taking!”
He snuck up close and crouched down low,
A frozen statue, unseen foe,
His short red tail snapped to and fro,
His haunches started shaking!
An unsuspecting squirrel drew near,
A perfect prey that felt no fear,
The time was Now, the place was Here,
A victim worth pursuing…
With swiftest grace, Rod took his stance,
Leapt in the air, his one big chance,
Landed on squirrel, and then a dance
Incredible for viewing…
The squirrel pulled left and Rod pulled right,
The squirrel tap-danced, but Rod held tight,
Rod squeezed that squirrel with all his might,
But Rod was way too tiny…
The squirrel was bigger, by a bunch,
He threw Rod off, and Rod went crunch!
Flew in the air, and came down scrunch,
And landed on his hiney!
His ego bruised, his self-worth flat,
“How DARE that squirrel treat me like that!
He’s just a squirrel, while ‘I’m a CAT!’
Rod’s temper soon boiled over…
His brain was crazed, his mind was dim,
Rod jumped that squirrel and tackled him!
“I’ll tear that squirrel from limb-to-limb
And bury him in clover!”
The squirrel just turned and shrugged him off,
And laughing hard, began to cough,
The other squirrels began to scoff,
And poor Rod felt degraded…
He’d given everything he had,
He’d been put down, and put down bad,
Amazed that he could feel so sad,
His confidence had faded.
And since that day, Rod stops to tell
Each single cat that bids him well,
The story of his squirrely Hell,
He soon extemporizes…
Now that he’s older, Rod has found
Himself to be of great renown,
Cats congregate from miles around,
To hear what Rod advises…
“The moral, friends ~ my lifetime theme:
Don’t hold Self in too high esteem,
‘Cause things aren’t always as they seem,
Don’t let Ego get to ya!
Don’t let your temper get too hot,
Know what you are and what you’re not,
Just give each day the best you’ve got,
And don’t let Pride undo ya!”
So, next time that you see a cat,
However big or small or fat,
Just think of Rod and tip your hat,
Address it as an equal!
God bless you folks, for taking time
To read this silly feline rhyme,
‘Cause fifty dollars to a dime
There will not be a sequel!
By – Connie Hinnen Cook
Extremely Bad Advice for Parents
A curious way to spot parents
I’ll tell you how, for free,
They’re the people with photos in their wallets
Where their money used to be.
Teach children the value of money,
Remind them how much you’ve lost
On a very regular basis,
Tell them how much they’ve cost!
Give children every toy they want,
Don’t let them nag you deaf,
They’ll be so bored that when they grow up
They’ll donate it all to UNICEF
When your kids are being quite naughty,
And playing up on you all day
Tell them they once had a brother…
The One that didn’t obey!
Encourage your children’s independence
They’ll grow up strong women and men,
Make sure they get lost at the supermarket
Again and again and again ….
Some signs on cars say ‘Mum’s Taxi’
They really give me the fits,
Its wrongly worded anyway,
It’s “Mum driven out of her wits”!
Another piece of advice for Mum,
When your child has a dirty face,
Water is a poor alternative to
Spit on a hanky of lace
If your child gets a question right,
Tell him “Boy, what a lucky guess!”
Then he’ll always think himself LUCKY,
When he gets himself out of a mess.
I wrote this in my diary
words of wisdom straight from the heart
“The face of a child can say it all,”
Especially - the mouth part
Remember to get the family photos out
When they bring their mates around - then
Embarrass with their baby ‘nudie’ shots,
They’ll never have friends over again.
When you’re woken Sunday morning -
with another question from your kid
“Dad do you know where does rain come from?”
Tell him, “God’s crying over something you did!”
If anything goes wrong with my parental advice
Remember it was given for free
I’ll show you the photos in my empty wallet
I’m broke SO DON’T SUE ME!
By - Lynette McCauley
