• All generalizations are false, including this one.

• I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

• I want patience - AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!

• If you spread out all the sand in North Africa, it would cover the Sahara Desert.

• Drink your coffee; there are people in India sleeping.

• I have friends who swear they dream in color; I say it’s just a pigment of their imagination.

• There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

• Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

• A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.

• Help Wanted: Telepath; you know where to apply.

• Look out for #1, and don’t step in #2, either.

• An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

• An unemployed court jester is no one’s fool.

• Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

• As I said before, I never repeat myself.

• It’s sad how whole families are torn apart by simple things, like wild dogs.

• Karaoke is Japanese for “tone deaf”.

• 3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.

• A day for firm decisions! Or is it?

• Alzheimer’s advantage: New friends every day.

• Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.

• As long as I can remember, I’ve had amnesia.

• Bigamy: one wife too many. Monogamy: same thing

• Bombs don’t kill people, explosions kill people.

• Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.

• Clairvoyants meeting canceled due to unforeseen events.

• A day without radiation is a day without sunshine.

• A day without sunshine is like night.

• Confucius say: Those who quote me are fools.

• Did you hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!

• How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!

• Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise.

• Do not put statements in the negative form.

• Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

• Don’t be a sexist, broads hate that.

• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

• Friction can be a drag sometimes.

• He’s a graduate of The Uncle Fester and Keith Moon School of hair styling.

• Have you seen Quasimodo? I have a hunch he’s back!

• I’d like to leave this world like I came into it; screaming, naked and covered in someone else’s blood.

• When I want your opinion, I’ll remove the duct tape.

• Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon.

• I couldn’t care less about apathy.

• Never interrupt your enemy while they are making a mistake.

• I got arrested in LA and boy am I beat!

• Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.

• Never eat yellow snow.

• Drilling for oil is boring.

• Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.

• Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.

• Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy!

• Honk if you love peace and quiet.

• I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

• Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.

• Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

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