• XML is like violence. If it doesn’t solve your problem, you’re not using enough of it.

• You don’t learn anything the second time a mule kicks you.

• Once we had Clinton, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have Bush, no Cash and no Hope.

• If Helen Keller had ESP, would you say she had a fourth sense?

• The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

• I’ve been on so many blind dates; I should get a free dog.

• I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

• Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.

• Take everything in moderation. That includes moderation.

• You can observe a lot just by watching.

• You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish.

• There are two rules for success: 1.) don’t tell all you know.

• Some days it’s not worth chewing through the straps.

• An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.

• I live in California, and my watch is three hours fast, I can’t fix it, so I’m moving to New York.

• An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.

• Do not follow, for I may not lead. Do not lead, for I may not follow. Just go over there somewhere, please?

• Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.

• If at first you don’t succeed, try left field.

• When at the window at the unemployment office, loudly say, “I didn’t get to where I am today by listening to people like you!”

• All work and no play will make you a manager.

• Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

• Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves.

• Any clod can have the facts, but having an opinion is an art.

• Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

• Sacred cows make the best hamburgers.

• I got some new underwear yesterday. Well, it was new to me.

• If #2 pencils are the most popular, are they still #2?

• I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired.

• I don’t want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon.

• Ask to see my tattoo of a rose, but don’t ask outside. I’m constantly bothered by bees.

• It’s not who you know, it’s whom you know.

• There is no “I” in “Team”, but there are four in “Platitude-Quoting Idiot”.

• One goldfish says to the other, “If there’s no God, who changes our water every week?”

• A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer.

• A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

• Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right.

• Follow your dreams, except for that one where you’re naked at work.

• Which one of these is the non-smoking lifeboat?

• Marriage is not a word. It’s a sentence.

• I had amnesia once - maybe twice.

• Originality is the art of concealing your sources.

• Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

• All I ask is a chance to prove money can’t make me happy.

• Wear a watch and you’ll always know what time it is.

• Wear two watches and you’ll never be sure.

• How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.

• Teach a child to be polite and courteous, and when he grows up, he’ll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

• Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

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