• Who are these kids and why are they calling me mom?

• Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free.

• Why do they use sterile needles for lethal injections?

• Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.

• My dog was student of the month in obedience class.

• Cruel and unusual punishment works better.

• An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

• When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.

• Wise people think all they say; fools say all they think.

• With a rubber duck, you’re never alone.

• I doubt, therefore I might be.

• I drink to make other people interesting.

• I have a drinking problem – the bars close at 2 AM.

• Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

• I have a strong will but a weak won’t.

• I like being single. I’m always there when I need me.

• I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

• I need someone really bad! Are you really bad?

• I never think of the future. It comes soon enough.

• I only drink to make other people more sociable.

• I prefer old age to the alternative.

• I quote people to better express myself.

• I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.

• I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better.

• I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay checks.

• I am a nobody. nobody is perfect, and therefore, I’m perfect.

• I’m busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

• Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.

• I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

• Very funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes.

• Why is “abbreviation” such a long word?

• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

• If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style.

• If at first you don’t succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.

• If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.

• If at first you don’t succeed, quit; don’t be a nut about success.

• One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor!

• Two wrongs are just the beginning.

• I may be straight, but I’m not narrow.

• I’m not crazy, but the voices in my head might be.

• I’m not normally a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman!

• I’m not paranoid, they really are after me.

• If it’s stupid but works, it isn’t stupid.

• I’m trying to see things from your point of view, but I can’t get my head that far up your ass.

• If 50 million people say a foolish thing, it’s still a foolish thing.

• If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn’t get very far.

• If a man tells a woman she’s beautiful she’ll overlook most of his other lies.

• If all the cars on the Earth were lined up bumper to bumper, some idiot would try to pass them.

• The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

• The person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused.

• The problem with the future is it turns into the present.

• The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before.

• The revolution will not be televised.

• The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.

• I’m in the can, therefore I can’t.

• I’ve had fun before. This isn’t it.

• If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

• If you’re not having fun, then you’re not doing it right.

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