Sarcastic Quotes P14

• A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up a thousand times the memory.

• The meek shall inherit the earth - after we’re through with it.

• If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.

• Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

• Ham and Eggs - A day’s work for a chicken; a lifetime commitment for a pig.

• Lord, if I can’t be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.

• Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

• Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.

• How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?

• Sometimes too much to drink isn’t enough.

• Jesus loves you; it’s everybody else that thinks you’re an ass.

• It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.

• Welcome to Utah: set your watch back 20 years.

• Don’t get married, find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It’s a lot easier on you.

• Be nice to your kids: they’ll choose your nursing home.

• A closed mouth gathers no foot.

• The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

• I was only looking at your name tag, honest!

• When blond’s have more fun do they know it?

• Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

• Losing a husband can be hard: in my case it was almost impossible.

• Jesus is coming, so look busy.

• We have enough youth: how about a fountain of “smart”?

• Two rights do not make a wrong, they make an airplane.

• Two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do.

• My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat!

• Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?

• Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

• Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?

• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

• I’d kill for a Nobel Peace prize.

• Everybody repeat after me: “We are all individuals.”

• Under my gruff exterior lies an even gruffer interior.

• Death to all fanatics!

• Chastity is curable, if detected early.

• Smokers are just like everybody else. Just not as long.

• Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

• Hard work pays off in the future, but laziness pays off now.

• Sex is like air; it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.

• When your only tool is a hammer, all problems start looking like nails.

• I’d like to have more self-esteem, but I don’t deserve it.

• Eagles may soar, but weasels aren’t sucked into jet engines.

• Borrow money from pessimists - they don’t expect it back.

• 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

• 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

• A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

• If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

• Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.

• If you jogged backwards, would you gain weight?

• I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

• How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

• Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.

• A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

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