Sarcastic Quotes P21

• The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

• To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

• If you put it off long enough, it might go away.

• You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

• If you don’t care where you are, then you ain’t lost.

• Two wrongs are only the beginning.

• The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

• Can a blind person feel blue?

• Change is inevitable except from vending machines.

• Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.

• Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

• If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

• Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

• If a man with no arms has a gun, is he armed?

• Man cannot live by bread alone, unless he’s locked in a cage and that’s all you feed him.

• When someone asks you, “A penny for your thoughts,” and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

• When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

• “I Am.” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I Do” is the longest sentence?

• Imitation is not the sincerest form of flattery. Stalking is.

• Marriage is grand; divorce, a hundred grand.
  

• Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
  

• Married men live longer than single men, but they’re a lot more willing to die.
  

• If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?

• I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

• Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
  

• Marriage is an expensive way of getting your laundry done for free.
  

• A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

• If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?

• If I want your opinion, I’ll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

• If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

• Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

• Matrimony isn’t a word, it’s a sentence.

• We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

• If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is it considered a hostage situation?

• Is there another word for synonym?

• Isn’t it scary that doctors call what they do “practice”?

• Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?

• What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

• If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?

• If we’d stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time.

• If you are going to walk on thin ice you might as well dance.

• If you can see this, you’re not blind, which is a very good start.

• Procrastinators, Procrastinate now.

• Don’t let your mind wander. It’s too small to be out by itself.

• I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

• Don’t get your undies in a knot

• Diplomacy: the art of letting someone have your way.

• A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn’t.

• A good pun is its own reword.

• Life is what happens to you while you’re making other plans.

• If you can read this, thank a teacher.

• A gentleman is a patient wolf.

• A drunk mans’ words are a sober mans’ thoughts.

• Atheism: a non-prophet religion.

• That was Zen. This is Tao.

• Dyslexics have more fnu.

• Clones are people, two.

• Entrophy isn’t what it used to be.

• Cole’s Law: thinly sliced cabbage.

• A day for firm decisions! Or is it?

• A little bit of powder, a little bit of paint, makes a girl’s complexion seem what it ain’t.

• A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

• A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price.

• All hope abandon, ye who enter here!

• I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

• Not all who wander are lost.

• Heck is where people go who don’t believe in Gosh.

• Labor Movement: The folks who brought you the weekend.

• A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.

• Vegetarian: Indian word for “lousy hunter.”

• If your feet smell and your nose run, you’re built upside-down.

• All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

• All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.

• The latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population.

• If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.

• If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

• If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?

• Hire a teenager while they still know it all.

• What brought you here and does it have reverse?

• Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you’re a jerk.

• I’m not young enough to know everything.

• Who died and made you Darth Vader?

• Let me drop everything and work on your problem.

• The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.

• I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

• I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

• How about never? Is never good for you?

• How can I miss you if you won’t go away?

• The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.

• You’ve got two brains. One is lost and the other is out looking for it.

• The gene pool could stand a little chlorine.

• He fell out of the Stupid Tree and hit every branch on the way down.

• Some people are living proof that evolution can go in reverse.

• Here’s a penny for your thoughts. Got change?

• He has a room temperature IQ.

• A gross ignoramus is 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

• He’s so dense, light bends around him.

• If brains were taxed, she’d get a rebate.

• If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.

• Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

• Do they ever shut up on your planet?

• Nice perfume. Did you marinate in it?

• Why don’t you slip into something nicer? Like unconsciousness.

• You’re depriving a village of an idiot.

• Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

• My honor student is also a black belt, so bring on your bully!

• He’s so narrow-minded he can see through a keyhole with both eyes.

• When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.

• When vultures fly, are they allowed carrion luggage?

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