Funny Poems P3
and protected them by law…
Guarded them very carefully,
and always wore a bra.
The doctor found a lump.
He ordered up a mammogram,
to look inside that clump.
as she got my t*t in line.
And tell me when it hurts, she said
Ah yes, there, that’s just fine!
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate was pressing down…
My boob was in a vice!
From way up by my chin,
And my poor t*t was being squashed
to Swedish pancake thin!
Within it’s vice-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless t*t!
Who does she think she’s kidding?
My chest is smashed in her machine,
I can’t breathe, woozy I’m getting!
As the room was slowly swaying.
Now let’s get the other one
Lord, have mercy, I was praying!
It squeezed me from both sides.
I’ll bet she’s never had this done
to her tender little hide!
I surely have one now….
If there had been a cyst in there,
it would have popped, ker-pow!
That I’m not among the Dead
Though I’m getting more forgetful
And more “Mixed Up” in the Head.
When I stand at the foot of the stairs,
If I must go up for something
or I’ve just come down from there?
My poor mind is filled with doubt
have I just put food away, or
with my night cap on my head,
I don’t know if I’m retiring
or just getting out of Bed.
there’s no need in getting sore,
I may think that I have written,
And don’t want to be a bore.
and wish that you were here
but now, its nearly mail time
so I must say, “Good-bye” dear.
with my face so very Red,
Instead of mailing you my letter,
I had opened it instead.
You doubtless want to sell them
But folks won’t come to you unless
Persistently you tell them.
For there’s no creature wiser,
She cackles when she’s laid her egg,
The world’s first advertiser!
Where have all the words gone,
I can’t find them any more.
I know I want to say something,
But my brain shuts like a door.
I know I want to get something,
I’ve started up the stair.
But am I going up or down
I should have stayed down there!
I had the darn thing yesterday,
I put it down with care.
Trouble is, though I know I did,
I can’t remember where!
I know you told me where to be,
I said, “I’ll see you there.”
So, sorry that I am so late,
I waited here, not there!
So please, be patient with me dear,
You’ll get this way one day.
But, trouble is, as I have told,
You’ll have forgotten by next day!
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke.
If I really should be ‘there’
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven’t got a prayer!
Say “what am I here for?”
I wrack my brain, but all in vain
A zero, is my score.
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!
Say “Hi” and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, “who was that?”
While my rememberer is broke,
And it’s driving me plumb crazy
And that isn’t any joke.
Please Mum?
For all the girls!
When I was in my younger days,
I weighed a few pounds less.
I needn’t hold my tummy in
To wear a belted dress.
But now that I am older,
I’ve set my body free;
There’s comfort of elastic
Where once my waist would be.
Inventor of those high-heeled shoes
My feet have not forgiven;
I have to wear a nine now,
But used to wear a seven.
And how about those pantyhose-
They’re sized by weight, you see,
So how come when I put them on
The crotch is at my knees?
I need to wear these glasses
As the prints were getting smaller;
And it wasn’t very long ago
I know that I was taller.
Though my hair has turned to gray
And my skin no longer fits,
On the inside, I’m the same old me,
Just the outsides changed a bit.
That For The Blokes
Now I’m old and feeble,
And my pilot light is out,
What used to be my sex appeal
Is now my water spout.
‘Twas a time, when of it’s own accord
From my trousers it would spring,
But now I have a part time job
To find the blasted thing.
I used to be embarrassed
To make that thing behave,
For every single morning
It would stand and watch me shave.
