(Funny Age Related Poem)
She was a lovely old lass was Aunt Edie
And it fair brings a tear to me eye ..
‘Cos she had such a passion for living
You’d think the last thing she’d do was to die.
She was as fit as a lop was Old Edie
And was always so kind and polite ..
Doing favors and shopping for neighbors
On the go from morning ’til night.
The sea air, she said, had been good for her health
She took it in every day in deep breaths ..
In fact the folks of the town were so healthy
The undertaker, poor lad, starved to death.
When she got into her nineties she started to slow
She always said it would happen one day ..
She was put in a wheel chair ‘cos her legs were no use
Well, no use as legs anyway.
But she still got about as best as she could
There was nothing would hold the lass back ..
All her housework was done when the home help arrived
And she’d even been round with the vac.
She used to bowl herself out and sit at the gate
Cos she always liked a bit crack ..
She would talk to the folks on their way to the shops
And catch them all on the way back
She was famous in Amblemouth, Edie
There was some people one day walking past ..
They said “You must be the oldest inhabitant?”
She says “No, he died the year afore last”.
She was a mine of information was Edie
She remembered things most would forget ..
They’d say “Have you lived here in Amblemouth all of your life?”
She say’s “No love, I haven’t. .. not yet!”.
One Monday, at her lunch club, up at the Mem’
In her wheelchair on account of her knees ..
It was Roast lamb and Jersey potatoes
Mint sauce and a few garden peas.
They had best butter to put on their taters
She says “ooh, thanks. I’ll have some o’ that” ..
But she dropped some on the brakes of her wheelchair
She went downhill pretty quick after that.
Now after they’d all had their dinners
In come this old bloke in a cap ..
He took her home in a sitty up ambulance
Just in time for her afternoon nap.
It was just when they’d lifted her out of the bus
And she was getting her key from her pocket ..
Her wheelchair was sat on the path by the gate
But she flew off down the bank like a rocket.
With her front wheels in the air like a dragster
Nought to sixty in five seconds flat ..
With one hand trying to pull on the brake thing
And the other hanging on to her hat.
She was heading for the newsagents window
And young Norman was washing the sign ..
He shouts “Your Peoples Friend isn’t in yet”
“That’s okay” she shouts “some other time”.
She spat on her hand and slowed down the left wheel
And she swerved under his ladder with skill ..
She shouts “It’s a good job I’m not superstitious”
As she accelerated off down the hill.
There was a tyre mark round the bend by the Pork Shop
And another up Higgins’s cat ..
There was a big scrape down the side of the Library van
And a hedgehog, poor bugger, squashed flat.
She swerved in and out of the traffic
She was getting good at this cornering lark ..
But she still couldn’t stop, she went up the grass verge
Crossed the A1 and into the park.
They found her face down in the duck pond
And they think she must somehow have flown ..
‘Cos her wheel chair was stuck in the railings
She’d done the last fifty yards on her own.
So that’s the sad tale of Aunt Edie
But she wouldn’t want her loved ones to weep ..
She was thoughtful to the end ‘cos at this time of year
You can get a big bunch of flowers quite cheap.
By – Gary Hogg