I wake up each morning, scratch my ass and head, Then read the day’s obits to see if I’m dead. And seeing I’m not I get up for a piddle Then crawl back in bed where I diddle a little.
At six I make coffee and drink it down black And eat me some toast, without teeth I just smack. I turn on the TV, tune in to ‘Today’ And watch that cute Katie, she’d make a great lay.
I watch for a while till I drop off and doze Then wake with a start and go put on my clothes. If it is not raining I go for a walk And have me a good time just hearing me talk.
But if it is raining, I pick up the phone And call up my kids who have left me alone. I find it amusing to make them feel bad For not ever visiting their feeble old dad.
At lunchtime I slurp on a bowl of beef soup Then just before nap-time I take a long poop. But if constipation has clogged up my tract I drink some fresh prune juice to get it unpacked.
And daily I tune to the ‘Lawrence Welk Show’ To hear the best music, old tunes that I know. Before I watch Oprah I empty my bladder To miss her from pissin’ would be even sadder!
I have early supper then sit in the swing, While watching the sunset I hear the birds sing. And when it gets dark I sneak over to watch Miss Jones through her window while squeezing my crotch.
And feeling quite happy at how the day ends I piss before bedtime and put on ‘Depends.’ Then after I put my false teeth in a glass I lie on my bed and I scratch my old ass.
Within twenty seconds I fall fast asleep, For when morning comes – I’ve a schedule to keep!
