Funny Poems – Codgering


(Funny Poems)

I wake up each morning, scratch my ass and head,

Then read the day’s obits to see if I’m dead,

And seeing I’m not I get up for a piddle,

Then crawl back in bed where I diddle a little.

At six I make coffee and drink it down black,

And eat me some toast, without teeth I just smack.

I turn on the TV, tune in to ‘Today’

And watch that cute Katie, she’d make a great lay.

I watch for a while till I drop off and doze,

Then wake with a start and go put on my clothes.

If it is not raining I go for a walk

And have me a good time just hearing me talk.

But if it is raining I pick up the phone

And call up my kids who have left me alone.

I find it amusing to make them feel bad

For not ever visiting their feeble old dad.

At lunchtime I slurp on a bowl of beef soup,

Then just before nap-time I take a long poop,

But if constipation has clogged up my tract

I drink some fresh prune juice to get it unpacked.

And daily I tune to the ‘Lawrence Welk Show’

To hear the best music, old tunes that I know;

Before I watch Oprah I empty my bladder,

To miss her from pissin’ would be even sadder!

I have early supper then sit in the swing,

While watching the sunset I hear the birds sing;

And when it gets dark I sneak over to watch

Miss Jones through her window while squeezing my crotch.

And feeling quite happy at how the day ends,

I piss before bedtime and put on ‘Depends.’

Then after I put my false teeth in a glass,

I lie on my bed and I scratch my old ass.

Within twenty seconds I fall fast asleep,
For when morning comes, I’ve a schedule to keep!
By – Darby O’Grady