Funny Poems – Ode To A Mammogram

Ode To A Mammogram

  For years and years they told me,

 Be careful of your breasts.

 Don’t ever squeeze or bruise them,

 and give them monthly tests.

  So I heeded all their warnings,

and protected them by law…

Guarded them very carefully,

and always wore a bra.

 After 30 years of careful care,

The doctor found a lump.

He ordered up a mammogram,

to look inside that clump.

  Stand up very close, she said

as she got my t*t in line.

And tell me when it hurts, she said

Ah yes, there, that’s just fine!

  She stepped upon a pedal…

I could not believe my eyes!

A plastic plate was pressing down…

My boob was in a vice!

  My skin was stretched-n-stretched

From way up by my chin,

And my poor tit was being squashed

to Swedish pancake thin!

  Excruciating pain I felt.

Within it’s vice-like grip.

A prisoner in this vicious thing,

My poor defenseless t*t!

  Take a deep breath, she said to me.

Who does she think she’s kidding?

My chest is smashed in her machine,

I can’t breathe, woozy I’m getting!

 There, that was good, I heard her say

As the room was slowly swaying.

Now let’s get the other one

Lord, have mercy, I was praying!

  It squeezed me from the up and down.

It squeezed me from both sides.

I’ll bet she’s never had this done

to her tender little hide!

 If I had no problem when I came in,

I surely have one now….

If there had been a cyst in there,

it would have popped, ker-pow!

This machine was made by man,

Of this I have no doubt..

I’d like to get his ball’s in there,

For months he’d go without!