(Funny Age Related Poem)
I wake up each morning, scratch my ass and head,
Then read the day’s obits to see if I’m dead,
And seeing I’m not I get up for a piddle,
Then crawl back in bed where I diddle a little.
At six I make coffee and drink it down black,
And eat me some toast, without teeth I just smack.
I turn on the TV, tune in to ‘Today’
And watch that cute Katie, she’d make a great lay.
I watch for a while till I drop off and doze,
Then wake with a start and go put on my clothes.
If it is not raining I go for a walk
And have me a good time just hearing me talk.
But if it is raining I pick up the phone
And call up my kids who have left me alone.
I find it amusing to make them feel bad
For not ever vis’ting their feeble old dad.
At lunchtime I slurp on a bowl of beef soup,
Then just before naptime I take a long poop,
But if constipation has clogged up my tract
I drink some fresh prune juice to get it unpacked.
And daily I tune to the ‘Lawrence Welk Show’
To hear the best music, old tunes that I know;
Before I watch Oprah I empty my bladder,
To miss her from pissin’ would be even sadder!
I have early supper then sit in the swing,
While watching the sunset I hear the birds sing;
And when it gets dark I sneak over to watch
Miss Jones through her window while squeezing my crotch.
And feeling quite happy at how the day ends,
I piss before bedtime and put on ‘Depends.’
Then after I put my false teeth in a glass,
I lie on my bed and I scratch my old ass.
Within twenty seconds I fall fast asleep,
For when morning comes — I’ve a schedule to keep!
– Darby O’Grady