A Politically Correct Christmas – (Christmas Poems)

A Politically Correct Christmas

(Christmas Poems)

Twas the night before Christmas and Santa’s a wreck…
How to live in a world that’s politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to “Elves”,
“Vertically Challenged” they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the North Pole,
were alleged by the union, to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished without much propriety,
released to the wilds, by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear,
that Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his beautiful sleigh,
because the ruts were deemed dangerous by the EPA,
And millions of people were calling the Cops,
when they heard sled noises upon their roof tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe, had his workers quite frightened,
and his fur trimmed red suit was called “unenlightened”.

To show you the strangeness of today’s ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose.
He went to Geraldo, in front of the Nation,
demanding millions in over-due workers compensation.

So .. half of the reindeer were gone, and his wife
who suddenly said she’d had enough of this life,
joined a self help group, packed and left in a whiz,
demanding from now on that her title was Ms.

And as for gifts .. why, he’d never had the notion
that making a choice could cause such commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur…
Which meant nothing for him or nothing for her.
Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot,
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls and nothing for just boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific,
Nothing that’s warlike or non-pacifistic.

No candy or sweets .. they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish upon the truth.
And fairy tales .. while not yet forbidden,
were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden,
for they raised the hackles of those psychological,
who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football .. someone might get hurt,
besides – playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist and should be passe.
and Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled and perplexed,
he just couldn’t figure out what to do next?
He tried to be merry he tried to be gay,
but you must have to admit he was having a very bad day.
His sack was quite empty, it was flat on the ground,
nothing fully acceptable was anywhere to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might,
give to us all, without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy .. with no indecision,
each group of people in every religion.
Every race, every hue,
everyone, everywhere .. even you!
So here is that gift, it’s price beyond worth…
“May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on Earth.”

The Boy Who Laughed at Santa Claus – (Christmas Poems)

The Boy Who Laughed at Santa Claus

(Christmas Poems)

In Baltimore there lived a boy.
He wasn’t anybody’s joy.
Although his name was Jabez Dawes,
His character was full of flaws.

In school he never led his classes,
He hid old ladies’ reading glasses,
His mouth was open when he chewed,
And elbows to the table glued.
He stole the milk of hungry kittens,
And walked through doors marked ‘no admittance’.
He said he acted thus because
There wasn’t any Santa Claus.

Another trick that tickled Jabez
Was crying ‘Boo’ at little babies.
He brushed his teeth, they said in town,
Sideways instead of up and down.
Yet people pardoned every sin,
And viewed his antics with a grin,
Till they were told by Jabez Dawes,
‘There isn’t any Santa Claus!’

Deploring how he did behave,
His parents swiftly sought their grave.
They hurried through the portals pearly,
And Jabez left the funeral early.

Like whooping cough, from child to child,
He sped to spread the rumor wild:
‘Sure as my name is Jabez Dawes
There isn’t any Santa Claus!’
Slunk like a weasel of a marten
Through nursery and kindergarten,
Whispering low to every tot,
‘There isn’t any, no there’s not!’
The children wept all Christmas eve
And Jabez chortled up his sleeve.
No infant dared hang up his stocking
For fear of Jabez’ ribald mocking.

He sprawled on his untidy bed,
Fresh malice dancing in his head,
When presently with scalp-a-tingling,
Jabez heard a distant jingling;
He heard the crunch of sleigh and hoof
Crisply alighting on the roof.
What good to rise and bar the door?
A shower of soot was on the floor.

What was beheld by Jabez Dawes?
The fireplace full of Santa Claus!
Then Jabez fell upon his knees
With cries of ‘Don’t,’ and ‘Pretty Please.’
He howled, ‘I don’t know where you read it,
But anyhow, I never said it!’
‘Jabez’ replied the angry saint,
‘It isn’t I, it’s you that ain’t.
Although there is a Santa Claus,
There isn’t any Jabez Dawes!’

Said Jabez then with impudent vim,
‘Oh, yes there is, and I am him!
Your magic don’t scare me, it doesn’t’
And suddenly he found he wasn’t!
From grimy feet to grimy locks,
Jabez became a Jack-in-the-box,
An ugly toy with springs unsprung,
Forever sticking out his tongue.

The neighbors heard his mournful squeal;
They searched for him, but not with zeal.
No trace was found of Jabez Dawes,
Which led to thunderous applause,
And people drank a loving cup
And went and hung their stockings up.
All you who sneer at Santa Claus,
Beware the fate of Jabez Dawes,
The saucy boy who mocked the saint.
Donner and Blitzen licked off his paint.

~Ogden Nash

Puppies’ Christmas – (Christmas Poems)

Puppies’ Christmas

It’s the day before Christmas
And all through the house
The puppies are squeaking
An old rubber mouse.

The wreath which had merrily
Hung on the door
Is scattered in pieces
All over the floor.

The stockings that hung
In a neat little row
Now boast a hole in
Each one of the toes.

The tree was subjected
To bright-eyed whims,
And now, although splendid,
It’s missing some limbs.

I catch them and hold them.
“Be good”, I insist.
They lick me, then run off
To see what they’ve missed.

And now as I watch them
The thought comes to me,
That theirs is the spirit
That Christmas should be.

Should children and puppies
Yet show us the way,
And teach us the joy
That should come with this day?

Could they bring the message
That’s written above,
And tell us that, most of all
Christmas is love.

From A Tree Top – (Christmas Poems)

From A Tree Top

(Christmas Poems)

I’ve been in a box for almost a year.
Then suddenly, daylight, a movement a stir.
Unwrapped from tissue, dusted and kissed,
My wings are unfurled, my satin untwist.
And carried like gold to the top of a tree,
The height of it, secretly scary to me.
I wobble and sway, I tip, almost fall
But gentle hands catch me and stand me up tall.

From high up above I can see down below
The ornaments twinkle, the fairy lights glow.
And children, wide eyed as they clap and they dance,
Excitement is building, for tonight, just perchance
Across the night sky, speeding straight, rounding bends
A sleigh full of gifts pulled by strong antlered friends.
A ruddy faced man with a long flowing beard
Is riding so high over rooftops well cleared.

I watch as the children lay sacks to be filled.
They laugh and they giggle, excited and thrilled
Leaving carrots for Rudolph with his nose oh so red
They rush up the stairs so eager for bed.
And so as snow falls and night gathers round
In the peace of the house there is barely a sound.
The cat from his chair gazes up at the tree
His eyes sharply glint as he stares up at me.
He thinks about climbing the branches so steep
Then he stretches and yawns and falls back to sleep.

Then midnight is struck by the clock in the hall
And if I’m not mistaken I hear a foot fall
On the roof top above, then a slip and a slide,
A crash in the grate. Yes! Santa’s arrived.
He dusts off the soot, stamps his large frozen feet
And cheek of it all! Rudolph’s carrots did eat!
With a quiet Ho! Ho! He bends to his sack
And searches for presents labelled Lucy and Jack
And into their sacks he packs boxes in tight
Then off up the chimney disappears in the night.

I watch as he twitches the long leather reins.
The sleigh then speeds off o’er the fields and long lanes.
And the crash and the jangle of reindeer bells
Disappear in the night o’er the forests and dells.
And the cat from his chair, he opens one eye
And lazily watches the frosty night sky.
He stretches and scratches and curls in a ball
Whilst silently, gently snowflakes tumble and fall.

The house is so still, just the tick of the clock
The light from the moon gives a glint to my frock.
And the bells of the church fall silent and still
As icicles form on the cold window sill.
So now I must wait through the hours of peace
Till the house stirs again and voices increase.
Meanwhile, I will sleep on my treetop so high
And wait for the children to burst in and cry
‘He’s been! Yes, he’s been! Our presents are here!
Oh Merry Christmas!’ they shout ‘and a Happy New Year!’

~ Kathy Carter