Funny Poems P8

The home of hilarious poems. Here you will find an interesting collection of funny poems that I hope you will thoroughly enjoy. Although each of us has a different perception of what would be considered a funny poem I think that people who can write such hilarious poems are very talented. A fun poem or funny poem is in the category of poems that usually based on a theme or situation. Fun poems, very funny poems, funny poem, funny poetry would have to rate as my favorite type of poetry.

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Talk Of The Devil

In 'Deaths' today I saw my name,

"Can't be" I thought, and looked again,

Yet there it was as plain as plain,

In black and white it said the same.

"But no! said I, this cannot be

For here I am for all to see."

"It must be someone else not me,

A case of wrong identity".

Rang a number, crossly said,

"How dare you tell the world I'm dead,

That this living life I've fled,

You surely must be off your head".

The gleeful voice that answered back,

Said, "Yeah, yeah man - they all say that,

Believe it man, you've hung your hat,

You kicked the bucket two hours back".

"You've dialed Limbo triple 0,

Press 1 for yes or 2 for no,

The choice of where you wanna go,

Is wings above or fire below ".

"But be aware, I gotta say

It makes no difference either way,

Your future's looking grim and gray,

It's roast and toast for you this day".

The roar of flames, the smell of soot?

The stamping of a cloven foot?

Must I drink this bitter cup?

"Like Hell! " I said, as I woke up.

By - John Pickersgill

Marbles

Of the problems I've encountered

This one's my worst so far.

You see, I've lost my marbles

And I don't know where they are.

I'm guessing that my problem

Became apparent, I would say

When I rubbed *Crest on my shoulder

And filled my toothbrush with *Ben Gay.

I recall a near-encounter

Of this problem once before,

But as I fell I noticed them,

Strewn across the floor.

So I'll think back in my mind

And try to re-account my day.

Maybe I can pinpoint

When my marbles got away.

Did I lose them in my laundry

That's piled half up my wall?

Or in the 5-mile check-out line

In that over-crowded mall?

In the busy doctor's office

Where every baby fussed?

Or did I lose them driving home

When I got stuck behind that bus?

If I turn off all my lights

And sit here quietly,

Maybe my little marbles

Will find their way to me.

I guess I'll go on living,

Though my head's still in a fog.

Now, I think I'll walk my cactus

And pour water on my dog.

By - Tina Northfield

Pete, The Piddling Pup

A farmer's dog came into town,

His Christian name was Pete.

A noble pedigree he had,

To see him was a treat.

And as he trotted down the street

'Twas beautiful to see

His work on every corner,

His work on every tree.

He watered every gateway, too,

And never missed a post,

For piddling was his specialty

And piddling was his boast.

The city curs looked on, amazed,

With deep and jealous rage

To see a simple country dog

The piddler of the age!

Then all the dogs from everywhere

Were summoned with a yell

To sniff the country stranger o'er

And judge him by the smell.

Some thought that he a king might be,

Beneath his tail, a rose.

So every dog drew near to him

And sniffed him by the nose.

They smelled him over one by one,

They smelled him two by two;

But noble Pete, in high disdain,

Stood still till they were through.

Then, just to show the whole shebang

He didn't give a damn

He trotted in a grocer's shop

And piddled on a ham.

He piddled in a mackerel keg.

He piddled on the floor,

And when the grocer kicked him out

He piddled through the door.

Behind him all the city dogs

Lined up with instinct true

To start a piddling carnival

And see the stranger through.

They showed him every piddling post

They had in all the town,

And started in, with many a wink,

To pee the stranger down.

They sent for champion piddlers

Who were always on the go

And who sometimes gave a piddling stunt

Or gave a piddling show.

They sprung these on him suddenly

When midway through the town.

Pete only smiled, and piddled off

The ablest, white or brown.

For he was with them, every trick,

With vigor and with vim.

A thousand piddles, more or less,

Were all the same to him.

So he was wetting merrily

With hind leg kicking high

When most were hoisting legs in bluff

And piddling mighty dry.

On and on, Pete sought new grounds

By piles of scrap and rust

Till every city dog ran dry

And only piddled dust.

Still on and on went noble Pete

As wet as any rill

When all the champion city dogs

Had come to a standstill.

Then Pete did free-hand piddling

With fancy flirts and flips

Like the 'double dip' and the 'gimlet twist'

And all the latest hits.

And all the time the country dog

Did never wink or grin

But blithely piddled out of town

As he had piddled in.

The city dogs a convention held

To ask, "What did defeat us?"

But no one ever put them wise

That Pete had diabetes!

By – Author Unknown

Ladies over 80's Football Team Profile

Our eldest player Lilly she's 99 today
We put her up for goalie as she's due to pass away

Secondly there's Betty who's a haggard 98
A very bad asthmatic who you'd love to suffocate

Next up it's our Doris at 93 she's doing fine

Before the game she snorts the coke.

We call her Avaline.

At 90 it's our Gertrude who back-flips when excited

She shows her draws when her team scores.

It keeps the fans delighted

Then 88 it's Lizzie who takes epileptic fits
Who's always on the side line showing all the crowd her bits

Down from her it's Madge who's a crank for 84
She's better known as Lilo as she's always on the floor

We move on then to Edna who's a scream for 83
Her specs they were mechanically built and the loony still can't see

Then comes wonky Hilda who's almost 82
With one leg short she has to wear a massive built up shoe

Twin sisters Flo and Nel they're also 82
Who only stand at 3ft tall, it's strange they never grew

At 81 it's Sally, she's always full of smiles
With so much padding round her bum just to protect her piles

Our youngest player Charlotte, she's the tallest one indeed
She's 80 and she's always stoned. She smokes the flippin' weed

Feel free to read this profile As it's a sponsorship we seek
But sadly time is running out They could all be dead next week!

Ladies Prayer

Now I lay me

Down to sleep.

I pray the lord

My shape to keep.

Please no wrinkles

Please no bags

And please lift my butt

Before it sags.

Please no age spots

Please no gray

And as for my belly,

Please take it away

Please keep me healthy

Please keep me young,

And thank you Dear Lord

for all that you've done!

More Nature Studies

I met a man who told me that

He had a pet, a vampire bat.

He called it Horace and, he said,

It perched at night upon his bed.

I thought of him as days went by

Then wrote him. He didn't reply.

The Condor through the Andes swoops

Performing barrel rolls and loops.

Alas, each aerobatic trick

Makes the poor Condor very sick.

Meanwhile the watching natives ponder

What is the fun in being a Condor?

It is not difficult to see

Some virtue in the chimpanzee.

I always thought, and think so still,

How much it looks like Auntie Lil.

I ought to make my meaning clear

The frontal aspect not the rear.

High in the sky the vultures wheel

Alert to spot the next free meal.

I wonder how the vultures tell

That one is feeling not to well.

Why take a chance? I will instead

Retire indoors and go to bed.

By - Joe Pamanian

Banana Zoo

Should you behold Banana Zoo

you're sure of a big surprise

for there you'll see Ken Kangaroo

with odd-shaped, kaleidoscope eyes

and Terry the Tapir and Gerald Giraffe

showin' off their skills as dowsers

and Sid the Zookeeper with a halibut scarf

and goldfishes pinned to his trousers.

There's Venomous Vince, the variegated viper,

pole vaultin' in one-legged jeans

and Peccary Pete the porcine sniper

with his blowpipe and haricot beans.

there's Gertie the Gibbon and Maureen Macaque

solicitin' in suspenders and bras,

and Lewis the Lion who diets on wrack

and keeps turquoise tadpoles in jars.

And should you get stuck in Banana Zoo,

where the purple striped Aardvark

plays skiffle,

I know a good shrink

who will help pull you through,

for there's no such place

-it's piffle!

By - Ephraim Crud

Young At Heart

Another birthday over, yet I don't feel old,
And I don't look my age, so I'm told.
No grey hairs yet, no wrinkles, no lines,
A few pounds too heavy, but I don't mind.

My memory is still good, sharp as a pin,
My eyes are okay, no need to complain.
I still have my humor, a little sarcasm and wit,
Though my response is slower, I must admit.

A few aches and pains, here and there,
More sagging than uplift, but I don't care.
My attitude is positive most of the time,
Optimistic even, is my state of mind.

I can stay out till dawn, dance the night away,
Though I pay a high price, the next day.
I can still turn heads, a whistle here and there,
Walk tall and proud without a care.

Growing old is something we all face,
And society tells us to do it with grace.
But something I heard, stuck in my head,

"stuff society, you're a long time dead".

By - Carol Prince

Wondrous Things

Haalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinin,
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache, when the hips break,

When the eyes grow dim,

Then I remember the great life I've had,

And then I don't feel so bad.

Telling Tales

At times I have to tell a tale,

Some call it just a lie.

But I still say it's just a tale,

And that I won't deny.

They say that lies come in two colors,

Some are white or black.

Now I prefer to think that tales

Are gray, and that's a fact.

I tell a tale, the truth I hold,

Your feelings I must spare.

I cannot be so rude to you,

Because I really care.

You ask me if I think your boy

Is cute as he can be.

I tell a tale, and say, "He is,"

And watch you jump for glee.

You ask me how I like your hair,

GROSS just comes to mind.

A tale I tell, a big one too,

And say, "It looks just fine."

You tell me that you've learned to bake

A brand new recipe.

I take a bite, it's no delight;

I'm dying can't you see.

It's then you ask me what I think,

I tell you that it's great.

Another tale I've told, but wish

I could regurgitate.

We drive to see your brand new house

You know that I'll admire.

I take one look, and then I'm sure

I'd set the thing afire.

I cannot always tell the truth,

A tale I must decree;

For if I told you how I felt-

Friends we'd never be.

By - Ray Thigpen

Manimal

I'd like to be a dolphin

and swim in open seas,

I'd like be a bear

and steal honey from the bees,

I'd like to be a highland stag

upon the mountain top,

I'd like to be a kangaroo

just so I could hop.

I'd like to be a rabbit

and dig a great big hole,

I'd like to be a little fish

swimming in a shoal,

I'd like to be a cat,

all curled up on the bed,

I'd love to be a seagull,

I'd crap on someone's head!

By - James McDougall

The Cynic

I don’t believe in Santa Claus - he’s fiction

The Easter Bunny never did exist

A lucky star is purely contradiction

A Prince is not a frog who has been kissed.

No bridge has ever had a bad troll under

Some Princess never slept for thirty years

No ogres ever ripped a town asunder

At Halloween no wicked witch appears.

The Yeti isn’t big or real or hairy

Strange UFOs have never came to Earth

The garden hasn’t elf or nymph or fairy

A Phoenix never rises in rebirth.

If Peter Pan existed he was stupid

I reckon he was just a teenage punk

And don’t you try and tell me there’s a Cupid

It’s only love-starved fools believe that junk.

I’ve never seen a ghost - there’s no hereafter,

You can’t tell me the Bogeyman is real

Those tales of magic carpets bring me laughter

No vampire ever made a neck a meal.

There’s no such thing as pixies - they’re all phony

The monster in the wardrobe is a fake

Your birthday wish is nonsense - pure baloney

They’re simply stupid candles on a cake.

I’ve never once believed in myth or magic

I will not credit something till I’m shown

My marriage (there were three) all ended tragic

And now I live reality alone.

Your happiness is all hallucination

It’s just a silly fairy tale you feel

Without a grain of proof or confirmation

I wonder why you think that love is real.

By – Graeme King

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