If a dog will not come to you after he has looked you in face, you should go home and examine your conscience.
~ Orville Wright Nice
He’s so ugly they ought to donate his face to the world wildlife fund.
~ Muhammad Ali on Joe Frazier
She’s so stupid she returns bowling balls because they’ve got holes in them.
~ Joan Rivers on Bo Derek
God does not play dice with the universe.
~ Albert Einstein
There are things known and there are things unknown, and in between are the doors.
~ Jim Morrison
No woman can be handsome by the force of features alone; any more that she can be witty by only the help of speech.
~ Kin Hubbard
A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything.
~ Friedrich Nietzsche
I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.
~ Oscar Wilde
It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless of course you are an exceptionally good liar.
~ Jerome K. Jerome
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
~ Mark Twain
I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.
~ Clarence Darrow
An empty suit that goes to funerals and plays golf.
~ Ross Perot
A critic is a legless man who teaches running.
~ Channing Pollock
His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
~ Mae West
He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.
~ William Faulkner
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
~ Abraham Lincoln
He had the compassion of an icicle and the generosity of a pawnbroker.
~ S J Perelman on Groucho Marx
Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls.
~ Groucho Marx
A cousin of mine who was a casualty surgeon in Manhattan tells me that he and his colleagues had a one-word nickname for bikers Donors. Rather chilling.
~ Stephen Fry
A smart person knows all the rules so he can break them wisely.
~ Lubna Azmi
I wanted to kill the hottest person on Earth. Then I learned that there were laws against suicide.
~ Missy Fruchter
Men are like steel. When they lose their temper, they lose their worth.
~ Chuck Norris
The devil is the father of lies, but he neglected to patent the idea, and the business now suffers from competition.
~ Josh Billings
Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire public relations officers.
~ Daniel J. Boorstin
I’ve developed a new philosophy…only dread one day at a time.
~ Charlie Brown
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don’t know what your rights are, or who the person is you’re talking to. Then, on the way out, slam the door.
~ Jack Handey
I hope that after I die, people will say of me ‘That guy sure owed me a lot of money.
~ Jack Handey
One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.
~ George W. Bush
It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snow blower or
vacuum cleaner.
~ Ben Bergor
Graduation speeches were invented largely in the belief that college students should should never be released into the world until they have been properly sedated.
~ Garry Trudeau
Have no fear of perfection you will never reach it.
~ Salvador Dali
I’d much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they are the first to be rescued off of sinking ships.
~ Gilda Radner
One of the strangest things about life is that the poor, who need money the most, are the ones that never have it.
~ Finley Peter Dunne
Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep.
~ Carl Sandburg
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
~ Oscar Wilde
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
~ Jean-Paul Sartre
No matter how bad things get, you got to go on living, even if it kills you.
~ Solomon Aleichem
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
~ Albert Einstein
There are no illegitimate children – only illegitimate parents.
~ Leon R. Yankwich
Catching a fish is as incidental to fishing as making babies is to sex.
~ William Humphrey
I came into this world black, naked and ugly. And no matter how much I accumulate here, it’s a short journey. I will go out of this world black, naked and ugly.
~ Jay Hawkins
Life is like a grapefruit. It’s orange and squishy, and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half a one for breakfast.
~ Douglas Adams
Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?
~ Mae West
Asking politicians to give up a source of money is like asking Dracula to forsake blood.
~ Cal Tho
